I thought today I would share something millions of people struggle with irrespective of their statues, that feeling that we all sometimes have that may present itself as just a dull gaping in your chest to the more serious, gut wrenching pain you feel when you realize that you are not OK. That the life you have carefully carved out for yourself isnt as "perfect" as it seems, and that no matter how many beautiful dresses and drunk nights you have, the pain persists. Its something I know all too well, this feeling that things are not as they seem. For me, the pain is usually directed around 3 things;
1) My HIV status
2) The fact that I was raped when I was 5
3) The death of my mom when I was 8
Whilst I usually lean towards flooding the world with happy thoughts and emojis (lots of emojis) I cannot deny that sometimes, like right now, the emoji's seem contrived, the laughter is forced and I am actually in pain. Since coming back from Europe with my boyfriend I have felt weak, breathless and lifeless. Everyday I set intentions only to find myself staring at my computer screen watching "Heroes" (symbolic no?). The thing is, when I speak to my friends I can tell through their worried eyes that things arent as they should be, that they are actually worried because I've somehow transformed from emoji, wine drinking girl to someone who is sitting on a couch asking them "WHY ME". My fears however were confirmed when I saw my DR of many years, my HIV DR that is. After self diagnosing I thought it best to go and see a specialist to talk about what was happening.
Apart from the deep sadness that I have been feeling, I have also been sick with the most random things, from extreme nausea, to mind numbing headaches and extreme exhaustion. After talking to my DR for a few minutes he took one look at me and told me what I had long feared, I was depressed. Not the might kill myself type but as he explained it, I simply felt tested. And then he said something quite remarkable, then again he also drops some great gems when I least expect it, he said "HIV is the most testing virus we have seen in medical history in a very very long time. It tests your mind, body and soul. It tests your economic standing and your religious beliefs. It tests you physically and emotionally, it can bring out the best and the worst of you at the unlikeliest of times".
In my case, my DR whom I have been with since I was diagnosed what feels like many moons ago pointed out that whilst indeed my recovery was miraculous (apparently with a CD4 count of 2, which I had when I was diagnosed, it is very rare for someone to go above 350 but my CD4 count to date is at a staggering 1076 (his words not mine), which is to say very high and very good), he was surprised to see how much I dealt with things, how well I adapted but that he was always waiting for it to hit me, for the reality and weight of what had happened to hit home. Well friends, it has. Like a ton of bricks. The thing is, when I found out about my status, my natural reaction was to survive, so that meant going to University a mere 5 months of finding out about my status, and trying to make the best of it. I remember at the time (8 years ago now) that I just wanted to be and feel normal, and thats what I was after, the normalcy that everyone wants, the wanting to fit in at all costs and so I pushed myself, to learn something, to be stronger than, to not dwell to much on but to turn a difficult situation into something better.
What I neglected to do, maybe because I am just wired that way, was to just breathe, to feel sorry for myself, to take fully conceptualize how life changing this all was and to allow myself the room to go through that. Sure, I was sad and maybe a little depressed, but perhaps because I was younger and had different ideas of strength than I do today, I always tried to take those emotions and channel them into something, whether it was advocating for HIV or being a model student, I never allowed myself to dwell too much, I just wanted to feel and that's what I did. Now however I am learning that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to sit still and let your emotions run their course, to let yourself feel uncomfortable and also acknowledge that this feeling you have will never go away, it will get easier to handle but subsequently because the world can sometimes be cruel and life will often test you, your status, the fact that you have to go through this, the fact that you wanted different for yourself, will catch you off guard and all you can do is breathe.
