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| image by Chris Saunders |
It's been a whilst since I posted something personal but this weekend
and the past few months warrant a story. Last year around the same time
that work started to really pick up and people started to take notice
of what I do, I was also going through some rather drastic changes. For
one at the time I was convinced I would end up alone. I prepared myself
mentally and emotionally to be by myself. After yet another failed
relationship all I could think was "I'm done" a rather definitive
statement especially as I was just barely even 25. My decision was
informed by failed relationship after failed relationships, moments when
I caught myself accepting being in a partnership and having some rather
traumatic experiences where boyfriends who claimed to care and love me
would turn around and call me a murderer, and say how people like me
deserve to die. I decided then, a month before 25 that I didn't want to
go through those again, that I couldn't keep having to explain my status
to people who made no effort to see the girl with the virus. It was
then that my very good friend whom i today call a brother suggested we
go to durban as a birthday gift and so there we were my two best friends
and I on a road trip. The trip was a success and I enjoyed my time with
my friends, on our way back we go to discussing about tinder, a dating
app my "brother" was reviewing for a magazine and he suggested my best
friend and I join & honestly I wasn't sold.
It wasn't until my
friend one night called me and urged me to join, as she put it it was
like an international candy shop, reluctantly I joined if just to drool.
After a few matches I got talking to a few people who seemed nice but
still I was weary, I'd made myself a promise after all. Of all the
discussions however I was struck by this one guy, his profile read
"young French expat looking to make friends" so after a few talks we met
up for drinks in Parkhurst. That same night my best friend met a guy
she had connected with on tinder. Fast forward a bottle of wine latter,
the four of us found ourselves in taboo listening to Erykah Badu. It was
honestly one of those perfect nights you can't dream up. But there we
were, a South African, French, German, Ghanaian mix of goodness. As with
these things my young Frenchman and I went back to his place. "To talk"
but as with these things, talking quickly escalated and in between all
the passion I blurted "i'm HIV positive" for a second I thought that was
it but nope, he seemed unfazed. Condom in hand we went about our
business.the morning after was awkward, but my French man was still
polite and funny. I went home and thought I'd never see him again. A few
days passed and we saw one another again, although he later told me he
was so scared about my status we continued to hang out as friends. At
some point during our friendship I started to like him, like really like
him, and on top of that we spent almost every waking hour together.
No matter how hard we tried we were in each other's lives and nothing
could stop that. After a few months I told him I wanted more but he
wasn't sold. He was honest about his feelings and told me he really
liked me but he wasn't comfortable with my statues. Around that time I
posted a post titled "dear mr I'd date you but" it was about him.
Despite all the great conversations and late nights he still couldn't
get past something like my status. I was hurt, disappointed and upset. I
gave him an ultimatum and we tried dating for about a month but a few
days before I went to New York for work in September things ended. I was shattered. How could two people who loved each other so much not
be able to get through something like HIV I thought. In New York I saw
my best friend who had a few months before moved from South Africa to go
to Colombia university. I cried and told her all that had gone wrong
and after a few episodes of "Oprahs next chapter" where she talks to
Elizabeth Gilbert and Elizabeth says "a soul mate is someone who brings
you to your own attention, but not necessarily someone you marry or
date" I realized perhaps that's all he was in my life, someone who
brought me to my own attention. I went back to SA feeling a little
better and in control until it was time for me to go back to New York to
speak at the black ball. Because we had dated when I made the
arrangements he still came with to support me along with my best friend.
The night was amazing and I felt like myself again. As for him and I
something clicked. The day after the ball we walked through Central Park
and he told me he cried throughout my speech and that he was proud of
me. We talked for hours and there we were, both foreigners and no one
was there to give there comments we decided to try again. I was sure
things would end once we got back but instead he started seeing my gp
and HIV specialist to learn more about HIV. We talked and he shared his
fears and I told him all I knew about the virus. Everyday we both learnt
how to be a couple.
We had some rough patches but today we are the
happiest we have ever been. It took 7 months for us to start dating and
now, at near 7 months since we stated dating in October. I've learnt a
lot during this time about myself, about my strengths and my weaknesses
but above all I learnt there is love in a time of HIV. Now we get tested
together and he's not just my boyfriend but my best friend, my biggest
cheerleader and confidant. I'm happy to know him and share a
life with him and I'm reminded each day that people can change. Looking
back I realize how much other people like friends and family played a
part, and how even in the eye of controversy two different worlds could
come together and learn from one another.
Why am I telling you
this? Because I almost always get asked by HIV positive people and even
negative people of the two can date, the proof is in the pudding and I
won't sell you pipe dreams but I will say, something's are bigger than
HIV, and thank goodness for that. So never lose hope in what ever you
do, we overcame a tricky situation with love and patience and today we
still face difficulties but then we remember that walk in the park and
we are reminded that sometimes all you need is a strong will and an
honest discussion.
Today I am most grateful for the friends who
have always rooted for us, who remind me to be strong when things are
hard and look out for us. It just comes to show, it really does take a
village. And I'm so grateful for mine
