Whos that girl?

It happened. Somewhere out of the blue I found myself, on what started out as a normal and rather exciting Sunday afternoon ended with me crying into my boyfriends  shoulder. "I Cant, I cant" I kept saying to him in between sobs and mass hysteria. What caused all this commotion you may ask? Well let me tell you a little story about a little girl whom, after finding the most charming man ever, who adores her and treats her like the princess midget she is, realizes that it wont always be this easy. The thing is, and I'm sure I've said this before, but dating for me, properly dating that is, is a painful experience. Which is why, before meeting my prince I had decided to forgo the entire thing and opt for a simpler life of work, friends and champagne (because every pseudo princess needs champagne).

Anyways, and then I met my darling, it was rather unexpected but pleasant surprise to learn that I could still be...well surprised. For one he thought I was hilarious (who doesn't like that?) and two he is just...agh no words can describe it. Anyways after many months of dating, going on too many adventures to count we found ourselves at a crossroads. The inevitable next step to any relationship. Meeting the parents...yes people THE PARENTS EEEEEEEKKKKK. Now before you think he was born into a cult of some sort let me just tell you that that isn't the case. In actual fact his parents, whom I'd interacted with once are very nice, friendly and polite. That being said this coming weekend I will find myself in Britanny in the South West of France with my darling and his family before going to Italy.

Now whilst we had prepared to tell them about my status this summer, on Sunday after talking about our trip, his family and the like I realized that I wasn't ready. I had spent so much of my time prepping him for telling his parents that I forgot to prep myself. To ask myself how I would feel once they knew and how I would take the reaction (good or bad) and the truth hit me like a ton of bricks, I just wasn't at that place yet. Disclosing to anyone is hard, disclosing to the parents of the man you love feels, well impossible if you ask me. But it must be done but for now we have put off the idea completely until I am ready and in the mean time I will be seeking some help of my own in the form of wine therapy.  For now however I am trying to focus on kicking this slight cold and getting ready for my Euro summer trip because truth be told, I much prefer the happy princess to the unhappy anxious me, that girl, I haven't seen in a while, and besides I get to go back to Paris again and I FINALLY get to see Italy, what is there not to get excited about?

The art of being positive

photo by Edern Le Bris

I know, I know, I must be the worst blogger in blogger history, but there has been so much going on that the idea of blogging has seemed to great to complete. But since I am back, I thought I might share some of my experiences with being...well you know HIV positive. Since coming out about my status, almost every interview or person I meet asks me how I keep a positive attitude, especially after being dealt a big blow in the form of finding out I had HIV? Over the years I have been able to pinpoint the various things that keep me positive and living positively, and let me tell you it is not all rosy. its part active participation, part losing control. Not sure what I mean, well let me break it down for you.

In terms of actively participating in my own healing, I take this job very seriously, and yes, I do think of it as a job because being HIV positive isn't something you master over night. For starters, I have always been curious about this little thing called HIV. Partly because it is my work, but also because I have it, so I have always made it a point to find out and learn as much as possible. Take my absence for instance, I wasn't just out and about living the good life, I was actually at the South African AIDS conference, learning as much as possible about HIV and AIDS to keep in my arsenal of knowledge. They say knowledge is power and I couldn't agree more. Not only am I better at explaining the intricacies of my virus, but I am also more comfortable with things like dating, sex etc. In addition to that I have learn't to take charge of my mind, body and soul and various ways. With my mind, its usually as simple as keeping positive people around, doing things that make me happy etc like blogging, watching movies and exercising. For the body aspect, it has been a long journey of trial and error. Whilst some ARVs do have some side effects and can cause weight gain in unwanted places, through a healthy lifestyle, listening to my body and the like, I am able to keep my body at a healthy weight. It also doesn't hurt that I love to cook and can spend hours on food websites.

When it comes to my soul...well this is a tricky one, but I think the first step for me has been accepting my status, being unappologetically positive. Realizing that things can not be changed and ensuring that the deepest parts of me are OK with that (at least on most days, I'm not buddha people, I still have my emotional days). But thats the thing, even with my bad days when I hate the world and my status I let myself go through the emotions, like they say, if you are going through a bad patch, keep going, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Now when it comes to letting go and losing control, I have become aware (quite quickly too) that sometimes, like with everything, you have to just roll with the punches. My CD4 count drops by a little, I try not stress about it too much, everyone's CD4 count fluctuates and so will mine. I want to have a drink, sure thing but I try not to over do it and again I love to listen to my body (Like now for instance, my body is not big on any alcoholic drink what so ever, I know this because when I have even a glass of wine, I start to feel light headed and not so great). But at the end of the day life is life, its meant to be enjoyed and so it should be. I would hate to call myself and expert but I do know what works for me and what doesn't and that my friends, is the art of living a positive life.

What I realized there and then was that we cant own EVERYTHING, sure we could try but part of the beauty of life is just living it, not capturing it, whether it be that AMAZING meal you had at dinner that you want to instagram, also guilty, or just that beautiful dress that costs way more than you can afford but are adamanet to own. Its all about consumerism and ownership and at some point with things and life itself you have to just let go. Live the experience without wanting to hold on to it forever. Love the food, savour it, like the dress, try it on and keep moving, (away from the till though).