The new new

For the longest time I have been an avid reader of blogs. From fashion blogs to lifestyle and food blogs I could not get enough. Enter then my work as a consultant and slowly but surely, my own blogging dreams were shattered into a million little pieces. That was until of course I had the idea for the positive diaries. Whilst at first I knew I would bring in some activism (once an activist, always an activist) I slowly started to get bored with the idea, I mean come on, a girl is more than one thing right? Hence my disappearance from the blogger-sphere to rethink what I wanted "The positive diaries" to be about and what I've come up with is nothing short of diverse is this:

1. Food (Obviously)
2. Style (Not fashion but style, having always been a thrift store and consignment store kinda gal fashion was never really what I was after, it was more like making a R20 skirt look like a million bucks etc...and whilst I will admit I do have some designer pieces in my closet, all of them are thrifted, consigned etc etc, which is just the way I like my designer wear, affordable).
3. HIV (because like I said earlier once an activist always an activist)
4. Travel (Mainly because whilst sitting down with the boyfriend the other day we realized that actually we are huge travelers, whether its Venice in Italy or the Drakensberg, we are always always chasing adventure)

So there it is folks the four categories for the new and improved posts you will be seeing a lot of in the near future so stay tuned.

Love & lightness

Summer day dreams

I know, I have just recently come back from a summer holiday in Europe (which reminds me, I still have to sort through all the holiday pictures to share) but I cant help but day dream about the December holidays when I hope to round up all my friends and head out to one of my favorite places in South Africa to soak up some vitamin D, drink too much rum, swim in the ocean, eat fresh fish and dance around fires. Something about the ocean makes me a very happy camper. I mean, who doesnt love a good beach holiday. The best thing? This place is so magical (and secluded) that it feels like you are staying on a private island, with a few strangers to keep you entertained. Now who doesn't love that idea?

Oh and yes, with my new found love for working out, I also hope to be showing off my toned arms and abs in stringy bikinis and light as a feather sarongs, because I just realized that I am 26, and like my friend once said, you will never look as good, as you do in your twenties, so here's to being fit fab and sun kissed.

The Breakfast Edit: Brunch special

Being somewhat obsessive when it comes to eating well and eating 3 times a day, weekends, especially Sundays lend themselves to breaking of rules and making of new ones. Take breakfast for instance. After sleeping in on weekends the only logical thing to do when I get up is to prepare brunch. A hearty mix of fresh rosa tomatoes, toasted ciabatta, scrambled eggs with creme fraiche and smoked trout. Serve that with a wedge of lemon for the trout, some freshly squeezed orange juice and some coffee and the day is as good as any. In this house, we take meals seriously, and what better way to do so than to add a hearty brunch option for lazy weekends. How do you brunch?

Things they never tell you: Sometimes it will hurt...just because

I thought today I would share something millions of people struggle with irrespective of their statues, that feeling that we all sometimes have that may present itself as just a dull gaping in your chest to the more serious, gut wrenching pain you feel when you realize that you are not OK. That the life you have carefully carved out for yourself isnt as "perfect" as it seems, and that no matter how many beautiful dresses and drunk nights you have, the pain persists. Its something I know all too well, this feeling that things are not as they seem. For me, the pain is usually directed around 3 things;

1) My HIV status
2) The fact that I was raped when I was 5
3) The death of my mom when I was 8

Whilst I usually lean towards flooding the world with happy thoughts and emojis (lots of emojis) I cannot deny that sometimes, like right now, the emoji's seem contrived, the laughter is forced and I am actually in pain. Since coming back from Europe with my boyfriend I have felt weak, breathless and lifeless. Everyday I set intentions only to find myself staring at my computer screen watching "Heroes" (symbolic no?). The thing is, when I speak to my friends I can tell through their worried eyes that things arent as they should be, that they are actually worried because I've somehow transformed from emoji, wine drinking girl to someone who is sitting on a couch asking them "WHY ME". My fears however were confirmed when I saw my DR of many years, my HIV DR that is. After self diagnosing I thought it best to go and see a specialist to talk about what was happening.

Apart from the deep sadness that I have been feeling, I have also been sick with the most random things, from extreme nausea, to mind numbing headaches and extreme exhaustion. After talking to my DR for a few minutes he took one look at me and told me what I had long feared, I was depressed. Not the might kill myself type but as he explained it, I simply felt tested. And then he said something quite remarkable, then again he also drops some great gems when I least expect it, he said "HIV is the most testing virus we have seen in medical history in a very very long time. It tests your mind, body and soul. It tests your economic standing and your religious beliefs. It tests you physically and emotionally, it can bring out the best and the worst of you at the unlikeliest of times".

In my case, my DR whom I have been with since I was diagnosed what feels like many moons ago pointed out that whilst indeed my recovery was miraculous (apparently with a CD4 count of 2, which I had when I was diagnosed, it is very rare for someone to go above 350 but my CD4 count to date is at a staggering 1076 (his words not mine), which is to say very high and very good), he was surprised to see how much I dealt with things, how well I adapted but that he was always waiting for it to hit me, for the reality and weight of what had happened to hit home. Well friends, it has. Like a ton of bricks. The thing is, when I found out about my status, my natural reaction was to survive, so that meant going to University a mere 5 months of finding out about my status, and trying to make the best of it. I remember at the time (8 years ago now)  that I just wanted to be and feel normal, and thats what I was after, the normalcy that everyone wants, the wanting to fit in at all costs and so I pushed myself, to learn something, to be stronger than, to not dwell to much on but to turn a difficult situation into something better.

What I neglected to do, maybe because I am just wired that way, was to just breathe, to feel sorry for myself, to take fully conceptualize how life changing this all was and to allow myself the room to go through that. Sure, I was sad and maybe a little depressed, but perhaps because I was younger and had different ideas of strength than I do today, I always tried to take those emotions and channel them into something, whether it was advocating for HIV or being a model student, I never allowed myself to dwell too much, I just wanted to feel and that's what I did. Now however I am learning that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to sit still and let your emotions run their course, to let yourself feel uncomfortable and also acknowledge that this feeling you have will never go away, it will get easier to handle but subsequently because the world can sometimes be cruel and life will often test you, your status, the fact that you have to go through this, the fact that you wanted different for yourself, will catch you off guard and all you can do is breathe.

August Review

image via www.garancedore.fr/en

I've never been one to set goals or intentions for the year, week, month etc. I am strong beliver in going with the flow and taking each day and opportunity as it comes along, because thats when the real magic happens, but lately I have been setting little goals for myself, things I want t accomplish in the week/month/year etc. Things big and small but things that in the end make me happy. For starters, I am a huge believer in hard work, but since coming back from our trip (stories to come soon I promise) I have been not so well, low on energy and just tired mentally and physically, hence I thought it a good time to start setting myself goals, things I want to do and accomplish to help me get to the next day/week/month/year/ten years etc. and things which will hopefully give me more focus, intention and a reason to crawl out of bed as the temperature drops and we reach the final stretch of the year. For August my intentions are as clear as day, I have some business ventures up my sleeve, some things I want to try and some things I want to stop doing, so what are these grande (and not so grande) intentions for the month? Well here is what I want to achieve for the month of August.

1. Start production on Rebranding HIV merchandise (this is something I have wanted to do for some time now and the timing couldn't feel more right). If things go as planned, I will have the prototypes by September 1st (anniversary of my diagnosis, pretty symbolic no?)

2. Get going on O.A.K. (a new business venture the boyfriend and I are working on)

3. Write the first chapter of my new memoir....

4. Start working out again (healthy mind, healthy body right?)

5. Dance more (something I used to do a lot of but with work loads, family, friends, boyfriends etc, I have forgotten how to have fun by myself)

Whats on your August list?

Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink...

OK, maybe not the most appropriate blog title of all times but it sounds good no? Anyways the point of today is for us to talk about water. Yes water. That natural goodness that can do wonders for you and yours. I will be the first to admit to hating water when I was younger, I mean fully fledged hate bomb for real. Like most youth, i preferred the taste of oros (yes guys Oros, probably one of my favorite childhood drinks and one of the worst for you with all that sugar) but no less I passed that phase. Somewhere between being diagnosed HIV positive to growing up, I started to love water, no I mean really love, almost as much as I love food. Driven partly by the fact that I now know the benefits of water.

I mean sure, I do still drink appletizer/grapetizer (the only fizzy drinks I allow myself) but when it comes to non alcoholic beverages, water takes the cake...or is it cup? Anywho...One of the other reasons I love water so much is because in the past few years I have developed insanely dry skin, I mean flake and peel type situation and so for me water is the best way to counteract my dry skin from the inside out. Nowadays I can be found with a 1 liter console jar full of water on my desk or where ever I am working. Whilst I aim for 2 liters a day (which is two jars full) sometimes I tend to fall short but never less than a liter a day, which proves to still be enough seeing as so many foods we eat have water in them so I am sure I get my 2 liters a day.  Either way water is my new best friend and does wonders for my skin, digestive system, and overall health. When you're living with HIV its important to do the little things to keep you healthy and water certainly helps, especially as I am known to get tired often (sometimes a nap is needed) but most times a jug of water does the trick in waking me up, especially on days when I can't afford a nap. It also does the trick of keeping those extra kilo's off from drinking too much juice, especially with some ARVs which can cause fat build up in the mid section, but whether HIV positive or not, water is always a great choice. So drink up and thank me later.

Things they never tell you: Skin deep

Yes, that is me with a towel on my head in my home office (don't mind the chairs in the background). Truth is, things like this happen often when I am working, because what is life if not a healthy dose of crazy. The reason for this particular image however is so we can talk about skin. Yes SKIN. That thing we all have in various shades and shapes and which, if you are like me have a love/hate relationship with...but for reasons you may not be thinking of. 

Firstly, let me explain something to you which most people who have been diagnosed with HIV will tell you. That as easy breezy beautiful as it all seems after a while the beginning is hell, and I mean HELL. Which is probably why DRs, Nurses  and who ever else is looking after you doesn't tell you all the things you are about to endure on the journey to healing, mainly because I think if we were told of the realities, most of us would quite before we even begin.

One of the first things I noticed when I started ARVs for instance, I was 19 at the time by the way, was that my skin started acting out. "WHAT THE..." I thought to myself in horror. Not only were the new drugs kicking my sweet behind as my immune system was rebuilding itself, I was now starting to notice some not so pretty changes happening. Never been one to fuss too much over skin or anything else really I panicked when my skin wasnt looking as it should and I started to do some research. After much research I was horrified to read that whilst the drugs I was taking came highly recommended (and I would recommend them myself any day #ARVsAREAWESOME), there was also some fine print and words I couldn't pronounce, which, simply put meant that my body would be changing, and my skin was the first sign of that. 

Like a fish to water I started doing everything I could to prevent any more noticeable change occurring because for most of my life I had been blessed with fairly good skin. So I researched and researched and researched until I could no longer research and what I discovered then and there was that my days of washing my face with soap and water were done. I needed some help, like serious help. Whilst my first thought was to try some expensive brands, when my body rejected those I turned to some of the legends of skin care that have stood the test of time and remind relatively inexpensive.

That is when, through a beauty blog I discovered Cetaphil a gentle cleanser that didn't make my skin scream with terror. After just that and a random face cream I decided to change creams too and tried a few until I settled on Kiehl's oil free gel cream which did the trick. But of course as I grew older and my obsession deepend I thought more and more about skin and so begin another round of research which led me to my skin care "system" I use today. Mainly because I travel A LOT and I started to wear make up so things needed to change and change they did. Today my skin care routine looks a little like this:

Morning:

1. Wash with warm water using  CETAPHIL

2. Rinse with cold water using APPLE CIDER VINEGAR

3. Gently tone my skin with RICE WATER (an ancient Japanese secret I am told which evens out skin tone and tightens pores)

4. Use ESTEE LAUDER ADVANCED NIGHT REPAIR EYE SERUM

5. Use 2/4 drops of JOJOBA OIL to further hydrate the skin because my skin gets really dry

6. Moisturize with KIEHLS OIL FREE GEL CREAM

7. Protect with NIVEA SPF30 FACIAL SUN SCREEN

Now, before you gasp in absolute horror I must tell you that most of these products are natural and have worked wonders for me, also that the spotting and roughness my skin went through before is no longer an issue. At night I do the exact same thing except I will usually start with BIODERM CREALINE H20 ULTRA-MILD NON-RINSE FACE & EYES CLEANSER which removes even my most stubborn make up like my Mac Ruby Woo. 

Now what you see above in my terrible attempt at an "after shower" photoshoot is my skin with no make up except of course some Ruby Woo lipstick and eye pencil. Otherwise I've used no foundation or any other make up I usually like to plaster, just to give you an idea. Also #NOFILTER (Sorry I had to). So then my friends, the point is simple really, what ever medication you may be on (ARVs or not) there is always a good solution for all those "Things they never tell you", even if its as simple as boiling a pot of rice.

Whos that girl?

It happened. Somewhere out of the blue I found myself, on what started out as a normal and rather exciting Sunday afternoon ended with me crying into my boyfriends  shoulder. "I Cant, I cant" I kept saying to him in between sobs and mass hysteria. What caused all this commotion you may ask? Well let me tell you a little story about a little girl whom, after finding the most charming man ever, who adores her and treats her like the princess midget she is, realizes that it wont always be this easy. The thing is, and I'm sure I've said this before, but dating for me, properly dating that is, is a painful experience. Which is why, before meeting my prince I had decided to forgo the entire thing and opt for a simpler life of work, friends and champagne (because every pseudo princess needs champagne).

Anyways, and then I met my darling, it was rather unexpected but pleasant surprise to learn that I could still be...well surprised. For one he thought I was hilarious (who doesn't like that?) and two he is just...agh no words can describe it. Anyways after many months of dating, going on too many adventures to count we found ourselves at a crossroads. The inevitable next step to any relationship. Meeting the parents...yes people THE PARENTS EEEEEEEKKKKK. Now before you think he was born into a cult of some sort let me just tell you that that isn't the case. In actual fact his parents, whom I'd interacted with once are very nice, friendly and polite. That being said this coming weekend I will find myself in Britanny in the South West of France with my darling and his family before going to Italy.

Now whilst we had prepared to tell them about my status this summer, on Sunday after talking about our trip, his family and the like I realized that I wasn't ready. I had spent so much of my time prepping him for telling his parents that I forgot to prep myself. To ask myself how I would feel once they knew and how I would take the reaction (good or bad) and the truth hit me like a ton of bricks, I just wasn't at that place yet. Disclosing to anyone is hard, disclosing to the parents of the man you love feels, well impossible if you ask me. But it must be done but for now we have put off the idea completely until I am ready and in the mean time I will be seeking some help of my own in the form of wine therapy.  For now however I am trying to focus on kicking this slight cold and getting ready for my Euro summer trip because truth be told, I much prefer the happy princess to the unhappy anxious me, that girl, I haven't seen in a while, and besides I get to go back to Paris again and I FINALLY get to see Italy, what is there not to get excited about?

The art of being positive

photo by Edern Le Bris

I know, I know, I must be the worst blogger in blogger history, but there has been so much going on that the idea of blogging has seemed to great to complete. But since I am back, I thought I might share some of my experiences with being...well you know HIV positive. Since coming out about my status, almost every interview or person I meet asks me how I keep a positive attitude, especially after being dealt a big blow in the form of finding out I had HIV? Over the years I have been able to pinpoint the various things that keep me positive and living positively, and let me tell you it is not all rosy. its part active participation, part losing control. Not sure what I mean, well let me break it down for you.

In terms of actively participating in my own healing, I take this job very seriously, and yes, I do think of it as a job because being HIV positive isn't something you master over night. For starters, I have always been curious about this little thing called HIV. Partly because it is my work, but also because I have it, so I have always made it a point to find out and learn as much as possible. Take my absence for instance, I wasn't just out and about living the good life, I was actually at the South African AIDS conference, learning as much as possible about HIV and AIDS to keep in my arsenal of knowledge. They say knowledge is power and I couldn't agree more. Not only am I better at explaining the intricacies of my virus, but I am also more comfortable with things like dating, sex etc. In addition to that I have learn't to take charge of my mind, body and soul and various ways. With my mind, its usually as simple as keeping positive people around, doing things that make me happy etc like blogging, watching movies and exercising. For the body aspect, it has been a long journey of trial and error. Whilst some ARVs do have some side effects and can cause weight gain in unwanted places, through a healthy lifestyle, listening to my body and the like, I am able to keep my body at a healthy weight. It also doesn't hurt that I love to cook and can spend hours on food websites.

When it comes to my soul...well this is a tricky one, but I think the first step for me has been accepting my status, being unappologetically positive. Realizing that things can not be changed and ensuring that the deepest parts of me are OK with that (at least on most days, I'm not buddha people, I still have my emotional days). But thats the thing, even with my bad days when I hate the world and my status I let myself go through the emotions, like they say, if you are going through a bad patch, keep going, there will be light at the end of the tunnel.

Now when it comes to letting go and losing control, I have become aware (quite quickly too) that sometimes, like with everything, you have to just roll with the punches. My CD4 count drops by a little, I try not stress about it too much, everyone's CD4 count fluctuates and so will mine. I want to have a drink, sure thing but I try not to over do it and again I love to listen to my body (Like now for instance, my body is not big on any alcoholic drink what so ever, I know this because when I have even a glass of wine, I start to feel light headed and not so great). But at the end of the day life is life, its meant to be enjoyed and so it should be. I would hate to call myself and expert but I do know what works for me and what doesn't and that my friends, is the art of living a positive life.

What I realized there and then was that we cant own EVERYTHING, sure we could try but part of the beauty of life is just living it, not capturing it, whether it be that AMAZING meal you had at dinner that you want to instagram, also guilty, or just that beautiful dress that costs way more than you can afford but are adamanet to own. Its all about consumerism and ownership and at some point with things and life itself you have to just let go. Live the experience without wanting to hold on to it forever. Love the food, savour it, like the dress, try it on and keep moving, (away from the till though).

The princess and the pee

image via google.com

When it comes to bathroom etiquette, I am the first to shun those who speak about their bowl movements like its a breaking news announcement, yes, I know #judgmentalmidget. Bring sex into it and its like I can't stop myself from blurting out the first thing that's on my mind. Anyways that's for another day. What I really wanted to talk about was your pee, yes you giving me the side eyes. The thing is, no one likes to talk about their bathroom habits, and I am certainly one of those people, but this is a free space and even pseudo princess like myself have to touch on issues like pee.

So the thing is, for a long time I was always so shy about using public/friends/family friends, basically anyone who wasn't my mom's bathroom. Until of course several bladder infections and a talking to from the Dr who told me to "let it go, let it goooo" ha ha, see what I did there (no wonder Frozen is a cultural phenomenon, there's a princess talking about peeing, ha ha, ok ok back to the task at hand). Anyways since then, when I need to go to the bathroom, I go, especially since I've accepted in my older age that its normal and nothing to be embarrassed about. So what should you know about peeing? Well here are the top 3 things to know about your pee from one of my favorite health bloggers Hannah

Color: There are tons of factors that determine urine color, the simplest of which is whether or not you’re well hydrated. If you’re not drinking enough water your pee will be a shade of deep amber or honey, and if you are getting the proper amount of fluids it’ll be closer to clear. Simply put, the darker your pee, the more water you need to drink throughout the day. Also, taking certain vitamins and medications or eating densely-colored veggies like beets can change the color from yellow to pink or even light blue, so don’t be alarmed if that’s the case!

Smell: Your pee shouldn’t typically have a strong smell, but if it does the cause could be as simple as one of your last meals containing asparagus, which breaks down into sulfuric-scented compounds within just 30 minutes of ingestion. If you haven’t noshed on this green vegetable recently but you notice a distinct, ammonia-like smell it could be due to a urinary tract infection, dehydration or certain medications. These conditions can seriously affect your health so it’s important that you notify your doctor if you catch a whiff of something funky in your pee that’s not asparagus related.

pH Balance: Another way pee is an excellent indicator of overall health is through its pH levels, which can be easily tested with an at-home urine analysis kit. The test determines the body’s alkalinity or acidity, or its pH balance, and the goal is to hover between a neutral pH level of 7.0 and 7.45. So the lower the number, the more acidic your pH and the higher the number, the more alkaline your pH. Most people wind up on the acidic side because of poor eating habits or stress, but finding the perfect pH balance is as easy as adding more alkalizing foods to your diet like green vegetables, fruit, nuts and seeds.

The Breakfast Edit: Muesli & Co

Another day, another breakfast, well at least for me that's the case. When it comes to meals, breakfast is a must, especially since the boyfriend and I have joined the 5am club which means by 7am I am ready for breakfast. As previously mentioned, breakfast for me is not just about the food, although I will admit its certainly a big part of it, its also a time to connect with loved one's. A lot of what I make is influenced largely by the two men I share a home with (who knew men could have such refined palettes? - KIDDING) No really. The guys know what they want and often aren't afraid to ask for it, which means lots of thinking, planning and hoping on my end.

Breakfast however is a little easier to navigate. Having household favorite's makes my job easier and much faster. One of my boyfriends ultimate favorites is muesli, double thick yoghurt and fresh fruit with a drizzle of honey. I must admit, having not always been a big fan of this sort of breakfast, the more I eat it, the more I love it. And it doesn't hurt that it takes less than 10 minutes to make. Its just a matter of chopping some fruit and serving it up and voila you have a healthy delicious breakfast.

The woman I want to be....

AGH, I am 26, (enter existential crisis). No, not really, actually my last one was last year, this year leading up to my birthday I was so preoccupied with work and life that my birthday was secondary to everything else. I mean sure, I love a good party and presents (who doesnt?) but this year the road to 26 was pretty much like the road to any other birthday. Perhaps this is because I feel a sense of calm knowing whats to come, including lots of fun work projects, travel and winter (it isnt as cold as it was last year). This year however I did realized a few things, so here is my list of 10 things I've learnt thus far:

1. No is a complete sentance, and its certainly one worth learning.
2. Its ok to not be a club rat anymore (although I will admit to changing my mind every so often when I really want to go dancing).
3. Work can actually be fun (yes, that is if you love what you do, if not, I suggest taking a serious look at your work)
4.  Its totally ok to wake up on your birthday and work, your no longer the young twenty something year old you once were and thats ok, because you also know that with hard work comes play and nice holidays (yep thats me this morning)
5. To rethink all your friendships, no longer are you looking for friends for friendships sake, your looking for substance.
6. Spring cleaning your entire closet is totally in order, especially as you have slowly realized that your actually not into "can barely breathe" jeans.
7. Getting drunk alone with your favourite song on repeat is your idea of a good night out and thats totally fine.
8. Going to bed at 10pm is not only good for your skin but also for your health.
9. Starting to think about your wedding day is totally normal, single or coupled up, the thoughts are starting to form around the kind of marraiage you might want to have, starting of course with a nice party (aka wedding).
10. You like making lists, that's also totally normal and you have nothing to be ashamed of.

Now let me get back to work and blowing our imaginary candles (no cake this year just jazz with my mom and brother later, lots of good wine and risotto)

The sex song to end all sex songs...

image via http://www.huffingtonpost.com

Yes, I know, it sounds a little XXX here but come on, we're all grown ups no? Well anyways like I keep telling my friends, denying yourself of good sex is like denying yourself of a really great work out, a natural glow and an orgasm....oh the orgasm...OK let me stop. Well the point of this isn't to talk about great sex (although I fancy myself a pseudo sex therapist) but rather to tell you about the song that will hopefully lead to good sex. Good start don't you think? Before I disclose my best kept secret I must admit that I had no idea who this artist was until they started dating Robert Pattinson, yes, Twilight days Robert, or Rob as I like to call him (yes I may have watched alllll the movies, sue me), but I have a thing for broody sexy types, and did I mention that Rob is also a musician, like proper legit musician who has a husky come hither voice (perhaps another sex song producing star in the making). Well he is, and he is amazing. "Never think" is my anthem for life, and come to think of it has a little sexiness embedded into it too.

Anyways So for you R-Patz lovers (are we still calling him that?), you may have guessed who I am talking about. None other than the sensual sexy Ms FKA Twigs. Now, before she became known as the girlfriend of Rob, she was already a well known musician and dancer, and I am sure so much more. With her crazy cool style, a mouth to die for and a voice to make you want to slip into something x rated, she is a force to be reckoned with. Whilst I am sure many people would disagree with me on this, she is actually pretty amazing, and the song I am going on about is "video girl". Now before you go youtube the video please note it is not about strippers on poles and the like, Ms Twigs is much more subtle than that, which for me is much sexier. I mean sure, who doesn't love  a good Rihanna video but what FKA Twigs offers is something more sensual, more lip biting and brow raising which is why I love her. Enjoy. And don't say I didn't warn you.

A story worth telling...

image by Chris Saunders

It's been a whilst since I posted something personal but this weekend and the past few months warrant a story. Last year around the same time that work started to really pick up and people started to take notice of what I do, I was also going through some rather drastic changes. For one at the time I was convinced I would end up alone. I prepared myself mentally and emotionally to be by myself. After yet another failed relationship all I could think was "I'm done" a rather definitive statement especially as I was just barely even 25. My decision was informed by failed relationship after failed relationships, moments when I caught myself accepting being in a partnership and having some rather traumatic experiences where boyfriends who claimed to care and love me would turn around and call me a murderer, and say how people like me deserve to die. I decided then, a month before 25 that I didn't want to go through those again, that I couldn't keep having to explain my status to people who made no effort to see the girl with the virus. It was then that my very good friend whom i today call a brother suggested we go to durban as a birthday gift and so there we were my two best friends and I on a road trip. The trip was a success and I enjoyed my time with my friends, on our way back we go to discussing about tinder, a dating app my "brother" was reviewing for a magazine and he suggested my best friend and I join & honestly I wasn't sold.

It wasn't until my friend one night called me and urged me to join, as she put it it was like an international candy shop, reluctantly I joined if just to drool. After a few matches I got talking to a few people who seemed nice but still I was weary, I'd made myself a promise after all. Of all the discussions however I was struck by this one guy, his profile read "young French expat looking to make friends" so after a few talks we met up for drinks in Parkhurst. That same night my best friend met a guy she had connected with on tinder. Fast forward a bottle of wine latter, the four of us found ourselves in taboo listening to Erykah Badu. It was honestly one of those perfect nights you can't dream up. But there we were, a South African, French, German, Ghanaian mix of goodness. As with these things my young Frenchman and I went back to his place. "To talk" but as with these things, talking quickly escalated and in between all the passion I blurted "i'm HIV positive" for a second I thought that was it but nope, he seemed unfazed. Condom in hand we went about our business.the morning after was awkward, but my French man was still polite and funny. I went home and thought I'd never see him again. A few days passed and we saw one another again, although he later told me he was so scared about my status we continued to hang out as friends. At some point during our friendship I started to like him, like really like him, and on top of that we spent almost every waking hour together.

No matter how hard we tried we were in each other's lives and nothing could stop that. After a few months I told him I wanted more but he wasn't sold. He was honest about his feelings and told me he really liked me but he wasn't comfortable with my statues. Around that time I posted a post titled "dear mr I'd date you but" it was about him. Despite all the great conversations and late nights he still couldn't get past something like my status. I was hurt, disappointed and upset. I gave him an ultimatum and we tried dating for about a month but a few days before I went to New York for work in September things ended. I was shattered. How could two people who loved each other so much not be able to get through something like HIV I thought. In New York I saw my best friend who had a few months before moved from South Africa to go to Colombia university. I cried and told her all that had gone wrong and after a few episodes of "Oprahs next chapter" where she talks to Elizabeth Gilbert and Elizabeth says "a soul mate is someone who brings you to your own attention, but not necessarily someone you marry or date" I realized perhaps that's all he was in my life, someone who brought me to my own attention. I went back to SA feeling a little better and in control until it was time for me to go back to New York to speak at the black ball. Because we had dated when I made the arrangements he still came with to support me along with my best friend. The night was amazing and I felt like myself again. As for him and I something clicked. The day after the ball we walked through Central Park and he told me he cried throughout my speech and that he was proud of me. We talked for hours and there we were, both foreigners and no one was there to give there comments we decided to try again. I was sure things would end once we got back but instead he started seeing my gp and HIV specialist to learn more about HIV. We talked and he shared his fears and I told him all I knew about the virus. Everyday we both learnt how to be a couple.

We had some rough patches but today we are the happiest we have ever been. It took 7 months for us to start dating and now, at near 7 months since we stated dating in October. I've learnt a lot during this time about myself, about my strengths and my weaknesses but above all I learnt there is love in a time of HIV. Now we get tested together and he's not just my boyfriend but my best friend, my biggest cheerleader and confidant. I'm happy to know him and share a life with him and I'm reminded each day that people can change. Looking back I realize how much other people like friends and family played a part, and how even in the eye of controversy two different worlds could come together and learn from one another.

Why am I telling you this? Because I almost always get asked by HIV positive people and even negative people of the two can date, the proof is in the pudding and I won't sell you pipe dreams but I will say, something's are bigger than HIV, and thank goodness for that. So never lose hope in what ever you do, we overcame a tricky situation with love and patience and today we still face difficulties but then we remember that walk in the park and we are reminded that sometimes all you need is a strong will and an honest discussion.
Today I am most grateful for the friends who have always rooted for us, who remind me to be strong when things are hard and look out for us. It just comes to show, it really does take a village. And I'm so grateful for mine

The art of salad bowls & healthy lunching

Part of being HIV positive, or just wanting to live a well balanced life is taking care of your health. Yes, I am sure you've heard this all before but its true. After all whats the point of a going to gym if what follows next is macdonalds and nando's 3 times a week. I mean sure, I am guilty of it too but I try reduce my take away intake to once a week (if that). Thankfully, my boyfriend and I are huge foodies and prefer sushi to macdonalds, (although nothing beats those cripsy chicken nuggets with fries with barbeque sauce to cure a nagging hangover). Nonetheless, as I work from home, Sundays are usually spent making an array of salads (in summer) and soups (in winter) that I can just warm up and eat during the week. This makes for very easy lunching and helps me steer clear of the ever so tempting Mr Delivery menu. This bowl was one of my favorites and defiantly a must try. Having never made chakalaka before a friend asked me to cater for her birthday which was held at our house and there was so much of the stuff left over that I had enough for the week and then some. Also made a couscous salad and my delicious and pretty simple potato salad. Together, the salads creates something tasty and healthy, and no need to think about lunch, which for a foodie like myself can take a few hours. Simple, tasty and healthy. What's even better is that this particular salad bowl can be made for winter too, with the hearty potatoes and chakalaka providing enough bite and carbs to keep you full and you can warm them up.

And because sharing is caring here is a recipe for the best couscous salad around. Of course, as with everything you can alter it according to your taste:

Ingredients:
1 cup couscous
3/4 boiling water
2 spoons olive oil
1 red pepper
1 green pepper
1 yellow pepper
1/2 cup pepper dews
1 cup baby marrow 
1 tsp garlic
Salt and pepper to taste
Sunflower seeds (optional)

Cooking instructions:
1. In a hot pan, add 1 spoon olive oil and couscous and stir to coat
2. Add boiling water and garlic to pan
3. When water has evaporated, and couscous is fluffy take off heat.
4. In another pan heat olive oil with herbs (anything goes here), sometimes I like to add some sweet basil. And add chopped up vegetables and saute (until slightly crunchy for about 3/5 minutes.
5. Mix couscous with vegetables and season with salt and pepper to taste. Serve hot or cold.  Salad can last up to 3 days refrigerated.

Bon Appetite 

Whats in a shoe?

One day whilst at a meeting with a client, we started talking about style. Somehow between discussing a comprehensive HIV and sexual health project, the subject of shoes, clothes and things related to style started to come in. For my client (who works with students and young people), it was a question of young woman and girls getting themselves into compromising situations for the sake of getting their hands on the latest "It bag" or those shoes that everyone is wearing/talking about. To my client, this seemed to be an unreasonable reason to have unprotected sex with older men/or partners who can provide these seemingly meaningless objects just to look good, and sure some may argue the same. But as I pointed out to my client, in my favorite bright yellow woolworths pencil skirt, my boyfriends cashmere jersey, my strappy black heels and my favorite Mr price necklace, style was a lot more than just looking good, it was about feeling good, and ultimately who wakes up thinking "today I want to feel terrible about myself?" No-one that I know of. As the conversation continued I started to highlight the huge gap within the HIV and sexual health response pertaining to making young women and girls (who are the most at risk by the way) feel good about themselves, instead of being understanding we are quick to blame fashion magazines and tell women (positive or not) to not bother with things such as fashion and beauty (what ever that means to you).

Whilst I somewhat agree with this argument I have to admit that I love looking good. I spend hours fussing over what to wear and having great skin, because when I look good I feel my good. I will also admit to being an avid Elle reader (I think my boyfriend can attest to this) and I wont apologize for it. The problem begins when we want to live beyond our means. Whether it be the allure of "keeping up with the Mthethwa's" (this is South Africa), or if its just about out dressing your friend, or simply wanting to look good, as young women and men even, we are taught to be ashamed of not having, of not being able to etc, I am guilty of this too.

However having never had lots of money growing up I was taught at an early age to make do with what I had and as such second hand/thrift/charity stores became my mecca. I mean even today I can be found about once a week when I am walking around my neighborhood which has lots of second hand stores, looking for little gems. It is at these stores that I found my fashion identity, one that was sometimes on trend but sometimes unique. One that was both affordable and within my price range. Even today as a consultant, I much rather prefer to go to a second hand store to see what little gems I can find. That way when I realllllly love or want something new, it doesnt hurt my pocket too much because most of my closet is thrifted, gifted or hand me downs and the funny thing is I love this about my closet. I mean sure there are a few splurge items in there but for the most part I am quite the thrifter.

Take these beauties above for instance. Can you believe that I bought them at a charity store in Melville for just R48.00? Can you say BARGAIN???!!!! I love them and they fulfill all my sartorial needs, from the low heel, the leather soles, the hand beaded fronts they are a beauty and all for the price of a quarter chicken meal at nando's. And yes, I know some people will think that this is gross, but trust me when I say most of the clothes at second hand stores are in good condition. Plus if you feel a little squeamish there is nothing a little skip intelligence, and white vinegar cant clean. (White vinegar I use in all my washing to rid clothes and shoes of any body odor, mold smells etc and it works like a charm). So don't be afraid of expressing yourself through your own personal affordable style, and as my favorite quote by Janis Joplin goes "Don't compromise yourself, you're all you've got" even when it comes to style.

Lets talk about sex baby

image via lefashionimage.blogspot.com

Its been a long time coming, what did you expect? Sure, I have mentioned a lot of time's that this blog isnt just about HIV/AIDS and sexual health, but I'd be lying if I said those things will never come up, after all its part of MY philosophy on living a positive life. That being said, today I'd like to talk about sex, you know the thing you do (hopefully) if you are of mental and physical age. I can imagine you now, raising an eyebrow as you read this and I know why, I would probably do the same, but hear me out first. To start off, I, like so many of you was raised in a rather conservative home where discussions of sex and HIV were not permitted let alone discussed. It wasn't until later on in my life however when I was adopted (I was 13 at the time) that things changed.

For starters, my new mom Deseree (she is the coolest) was not like the traditional mom. Nothing was off limits including the dreaded and sometimes awkward sex talk. For her, sex and sexuality were part of life (and right she was/is). I mean later on in life she has explained to me that sure, she could have shied away from the topic like so many parents do, but she knew that I was going to find out about it one way or anther, and she wanted to make sure I had all the facts, not just all the stuff we are shown on TV or magazine's.

Remember the late night TV porn Emmanuel? Of course you do. If you lived in South Africa and had a TV in the early 2000's you probably stumbled upon it one late night and sneaked a peak, I know I did (sorry mom). For me the facination wasnt so much the sex part but just how perfect they all were. I mean Emmanuel (the main character) was gorgeous, model like if you will (if my young mind serves me correctly) and she always made the best sex sounds (don't judge people).

Anyways the point is, since my mom Deseree made it a point to talk to me about everything, including sex, I wasn't so fascinated with doing it as some of my friends were. As she explained one afternoon when I was about 17/18 or so, sex was normal and nothing to be ashamed of. I just needed to be safe when doing it. And right she was. Sex then became this thing that I could do, if and when the urge arose and it stopped being some big mystery.

I remember at the time sitting across from my mother willing her to stop, but now that I am older, I can say I appreciate those conversations she had with me and the fact that she was so open. It was a great starting point for me to discover my sexuality and in turn create a sexual language of my own. Now that I am 25 (26 in just over a week eeeeek), I am thinking how much I want to follow my mother Deseree's footsteps when I finally have kids. I mean sure, I can block their iphone's and ipads and lord knows what else to filter what they see but someday they will experience what I and many others did without our parents, some badly filmed, none realistic depiction of sex and someone (hopefully me) would have to step in and tell them the truth. That in between the ooohs and aaahs and lots of fun that should surely be had, in between all that must come a level of responsibility, of having all the facts presented to you and knowing that sex like most things can be fun, but as with all fun things, attention must be paid, to do it in a safe manner.

In the words of Woody Allen, “Is sex dirty? Only when it's being done right.”

I'm a woman. What's your super power?

Yes this is a feminist inspired post, and why shouldn't it be? For many years now women have been getting the bad end of the stick and society has been fashioned around patriarchal ideals that insist on keeping women down. Take the case of HIV for instance. Amongst the millions of people living with HIV more than 50% are women and the most at risk? Women. Why you may ask? No its not because we are genetically the weaker sex but because of the various social issues surrounding the spread of HIV infections including gender based violence (of which women are the most affected), poverty (again mostly women are affected) and I could go on and on. But still, despite all the social issues women face on  daily basis, we manage to rise, we manage to do things that only women can do, like multi task (ok this is a generalization I know but allow me this one). Its just that for my entire life I have been raised by women, strong willed, hard working women. Women who play mother and father, provider, protector and nurturer. And in my own life now living with two males (my boyfriend and our friend) I am astonished by how much is left in my hands. Not because men are incapable, but because whether society likes to admit it or not, women are capable. I mean between doing laundry (Yes people I actually do laundry), cooking, cleaning etc. Its all somehow left in my hands because on the odd occasion that I leave it I find myself frustrated with the untidy house, dirty dishes and dirty laundry. All things that men CAN and SHOULD do if you ask me but that they don't. When I ask my two darlings why, the answer is always the same "I am tired", "work is crazy", "I am stressed" cue side eye here ladies. As if these things don't affect us either, but the nurturer that I am I allow them these luxuries of food and clean clothes (I draw the line at ironing, I HATE IRONING), so that when they come home (I work from home so the assumption is that I am a women of leisure, far from by the way) everything is taken care of. I know some may say I spoil them, sometimes I agree but I must admit that they spoil me in other ways. The point is being a woman, waking up to a world that expects so much of us but is fast to call us the weaker sex, we are super heroes, at least that's my thinking.

The Breakfast Edit: Are Oats the new winter staple?

When it comes to breakfast, changing from one routine to another is a little like trying to convince a 5 year old to eat their vegetables, except that this "5 year old" is actually 25 years old and loveeeeees food. So what does one do? Give up? NEVER. Not me. With winter having taken a firm grip over Johannesburg, I started craving warm winter breakfasts, that fed more than the body but also the soul, you know the types? That feel good breakfast that makes you sigh with relief once you've finished eating. Well that's what I was craving. Outside of my favourite breakfast of scrambled eggs on toasted ciabata with creme fraiche and smoked trout with some fresh lemon juice, I wanted something else, something more "old school" if you will. Enter oats. I know, I know its probably many peoples least favorite but for me its one of those feel good breakfasts that warms you up straight to the core.

With my "5 year old" in mind (whom by the way, childlike lay on the office floor screaming "I don't want, I don't want" ha ha, welcome to the craziness of our home). But after some coaxing from my end, I managed to convince him that if he just tried it, I would make him anything he wants the following day for breakfast, and with that simple sentence, the battle was won, at least for now.

As seen above I tried to make it appetizing by giving this old school classic a modern twist by adding 2 spoon fulls of cream, some sugar to sweeten,  a teaspoon of vanilla essence, preserved green figs and some ground black pepper to add a slight bite. I must say, despite my greatest efforts I am not 100% sure I like it as much as the classic served with milk and honey but I will keep trying to perfect this recipe to suite both palates.

May Day May Day

image via garancedore.fr/en

For as long as I can remember, I have had a love hate relationship with the month of May. Mainly because it reminds me just how quickly the year has gone, and also because it marks the slow countdown to my birthday (May 20th eeeeeeeek). Unlike last year however, with just 15 days until my birthday I feel rather cool calm and collected, like the feeling you get when you know that everything will be ok! That's me right now, very zen (maybe its the wine but lets pretend its au natural). My change in mindset may have something to do with my steady relationship (we have to discuss this soon), the piles of projects I am currently working on that are making me happy and the fact that after deciding to not celebrate my birthday last year I've changed my mind because I've realized that in all actuality, getting older is a step in the right direction, to a place of acceptance, no more body woes and wisdom, and who doesn't want to be wiser?

For the most part what I am learning is to breathe a little easier. I know that as Generation Y we are often criticized for wanting too much too soon and for the most part that's true, but if you take a closer look at why we are the way we are, the internet has a big part to play in it all. From online sensations turned mega stars (I'm looking at you Justin Bieber) to the rise of reality TV, we are more connected than ever to whats happening around us and its easy to feel a little FOMO (I literally started liking my life more when Rihanna was off instagram, I felt like maybe we were living the same life - a girl can dream no?). Anyways, I for one have thought to myself on several occasions how nice it would be to be in Rihanna's shoes, I mean HELLO, who wouldn't? Or maybe be tech savvy enough to launch the new Facebook and become a billionaire in no time at all, but the reality is, that's not the reality for 99% of us so why bother stressing about it?

And yes it may seem when someone your age (like Taylor Swift who is 25 turning 26 like me) is globe trotting and dropping billboard 100 hits like its nothing, that you've failed, I sure felt like I have. But the thing is, that's her journey and I am sure even Ms. Swift wishes for something else sometimes, that's human nature after all. The point is to just get busy living, keep doing what you love and get on with it. Before you know it you'll be 65 and yes you may not have a star on the Hollywood walk of fame to show, or chart toppers but you should be happy with what you've created for yourself. So please excuse me whilst I plan a very chic (and budget friendly - I dont have Taylor bucks) party for my upcoming birthday and return to my zen state (that means another glass of wine).

And so it begins...

I can't believe that we are FINALLY launching. You must understand dear readers, that this has been one of my passion projects for the past few months now after a friend pitched the idea to me. In her words, she felt like there weren't enough spaces to talk about some of the important issues that young people like you and I are facing today, and no, whilst we would like to, we are not talking about ending world hunger or creating world peace, but rather how to deal with the every day issues and realities of living in South Africa and form part of a greater collective as citizens of the world. The idea behind naming this project the positive diaries came about from my personal experience as a young woman living with HIV and often being reduced to a number, an idea, a misconception, of which for the most part I have no control over. As such, the "The Positive Diaries" were born, as a method to debunk those myths and give you the real facts, as I am sure you will give me you're truths, insights and so on on the issues you are facing.

Now before you move on to the next page I want to reiterate that whilst I will be posting mainly from the perspective of a young positive, "The positive diaries" are about more than just HIV and AIDS they are about living an creating a healthy lifestyle for yourself, whether that be by eating well, working out, taking care of your mental health etc. "The positive diaries" hope to be reflective of every young person reading this, a personal diary if you will, that deals will the things that affect us all and whilst the "The positive diaries" are an extension of some of the ideals of Rebranding HIV, a company I founded what seems like many moons ago, it is not a Rebranding HIV project but rather a personal endeavor, one which, as previously mentioned has been created with help from my closest friends. This project has been a labor of love and I am grateful that I have been able to get as many of my friends involved as possible because at the end of the day, this is more than just about sharing my personal stories but sharing the stories of all of you.

As we continue on this new and exciting journey I hope that all the content that we produce here is relevant for you as a young person whether you are living with HIV or not, because at the end of the day we could all benefit from living and leading a positive life, one in which all of our holistic needs are taken care of. From food to fashion, to debunking some of the myths around HIV/AIDS and overall sexual health, we hope to create an interactive and relevant platform for all that will help you to live your Positive life.

We are what we eat....

Inspired by one of my personal favorite bloggers Garance Dore, I thought we might start off with the most obvious, FOOOOOOOD. Partly because I love food but also because I think its important to have some frank discussions about what we put into our bodies and why. Over the years I've felt my eating habits change and with that my perspective on food and my body have changed too. I am in no way an advocate for diets of any kind but I am pro healthy eating. And before you argue that eating well costs too much, consider this: currently at home fruit and veg for a week for 3 cost about R200.00..Yes just R200.00. That is supplemented by a heavy dose of chicken (about 4 times a week), red meat (once a week) and eggs.

Here are my answers to questions I think we should all be asking ourselves....

What do you eat on an average day?
Breakfast: I like to alternate my breakfasts, mainly because if I ate the same thing over and over again I think I might just cry...no seriously. Usually my weekday menu looks a little something like this; muesli, fresh fruit, yoghurt and honey twice a week, pancakes once a week and some variation of an egg dish twice a week which can be anything from scrambled eggs, creamy mushrooms, rosa tomatoes and toast or an omelet. On weekends I usually go with the flow, I wake up later than usual so it mostly turns out to be some sort of brunch. My boyfriend is obsessed with my creamy scrambled eggs on toasted ciabatta, with creme fraiche and smoked trout drizzled with some lemon juice and some rosa tomato's and fresh herbs on the side so I try to make that on weekends for brunch.

Lunch: As I work from home, lunch is usually last nights left overs, if not something from the cafe down the road from my house. i am not a huge salad alone girl so I cant say I have much of it on its own, usually it has to have something else to grab my attention.

Dinner: Dinner is usually when I cook for my boyfriend and our friend who lives with us. cooking for two men is no small feat. They are both extremely picky and love food so I always have to bring my A game. Mondays however I put my foot down and force them to eat meat free meals. From creamy cheese spinach pasta to salmon. And the rest of the time I make some variation of chicken. I love making my famous butter chicken curry and creamy mushroom chicken with rice. I dont like red meat too much so we only eat it about once a week. And of course most meals are accompanied by wine, glorious wine.

Snacks: I love snacking but I don't like chocolate, weird I know. So snacks for me are usually protein like eggs with a slice of toast or fruit.

Do you have a food philosophy?
I don't know if its a philosophy so much as it is a lifestyle choice. Since being diagnosed I have tried many things to keep healthy. The great thing is that it wasn't much of a change from my normal diet it just meant being more aware of what I eat. I love food so I cant claim to follow any sort of diet or eating plan, even the paleo plan seems cruel to me and you can eat good food on that. I just eat what ever I want with a huge dose of fruit and veg. And since discovering green juices when my mom made them for me when I was very sick I love to have them a few times a week.


How is this different to the food philosophy of your parents?
My adoptive mother has always been so great about healthy living and eating. So with her everything had veg and fruit. I mean she started me on juicing when I was very sick when I was first diagnosed before juicing ever became cool. So I follow that way of eating which is everything in moderation and with lots of veg and fruit. My biological mother had a different food philosophy though. I guess she knew a little less about nutrients so my diet back then was very much maize and meat. I did however get my love for cooking from my biological mother Paulina who was a great cook. She made a lasagna to die for and always made the best meals. The funny thing is though that when I was about 4 my biological mom met my now adoptive mother and my adoptive mother asked her about my red hair. I had like red red hair. It was kind of funny. My mom thought because I ate three meals a day that was fine but my adoptive mom Deseree told her that she needed to incorporate more fruit and veg into my diet. I guess that's how the journey of all of us began, with my red hair.

How do you fit food into your lifestyle?
For me food is an important part of my life, I mean its how we fuel our bodies so for me food is important part of my lifestyle. My favorite weekly trip is to the Carriera food market in randburg to do the weekly shop. Nothing makes me happier than finding great in season fruit and veg. Eating and cooking is a way I communicate with the world, how I say "i love you" and how I cure most of my ailments.


Do you eat at your desk ? Do you check your phone while eating ? Or do you always have company ?
Sadly working from home 75% of the time means I often eat at my desk. I check my phone and computer all at once and I know its terrible but it comes with working from home but every now and then I'll stop and enjoy my food. Dinner is ALWAYS an event though so I try not feel so bad about lunch at my desk. 

When your jeans get too tight, what’s your solution?
Try to cut down on carbs or switch my jeans for a skirt or dress, ha ha. Seriously I mean there are other more accommodating clothing items that don't include jeans.

Do you exercise ?
What either than sex? ha ha. Yeah I try to. My boyfriend and I are currently going to gym 3 times a week which is great, but lets see how long that lasts, he he.

The one food you can’t resist.
There are so many. I mean ribs, mango, french fries....the list goes on.

Any book you’ve read / documentary you’ve watched that changed your point of view on food?
Not really. And I once attended a vegan convention and watched some horrific stuff. I'm not into scare tactics. I think we should eat what we want but be conscious etc. I think showing people these really gross/scary videos isn't helping.

Anything you’ve learned about eating well ?
Portion control. There is a fine line between eating for fuel and eating out of greed. Eat until you are full. 

How do you feel about your body?
It changes. I mean I love my ass, back and legs no matter what size, the rest I struggle with. I think it depends on the day, but mostly I am happy with it. Its my body after all and as my mom always says its the only one I have. It will always be a work in progress but that's ok.

Any strange food/eating habits? 
Not really. I think the strangest thing is just how much I love food. Its a pretty intense love affair, sometimes when the food is really really good I even do a food dance...like I said, intense.