The Re-entry

HELLO Bloggersphere. I know, its been way too damn long but lets be honest, if you are a blogger, or even if you pretend to be, you soon come to realize that this is a HUGE commitment, and being of the state of mind I was in last year, I just couldn't, not then but now after thinking upon the new year, what I like, what I love, and what I simply do not care for I came to the very real conclusion that story telling, in what ever form it presents itself, is one of my favorite things. I naturally overshare. I need to go to the loo, EVERYONE has to know, I'm feeling upset/happy/sad/thoughtful, someone has to know. Its the way I am, I like to share, to write, to tell my stories because after all, we are all just the sum of the experiences we have in what ever form they present themselves. That being said I thought long and hard about my little space of the internet and realized how much I missed it, however trivial it may seem to some. It was a way to keep record of my stories, my life and sometimes (ok often) rethink them, go back on them or simply laugh out loud and how little I knew. So now I am back, and this time, Inshallah it will be for the long haul.

The new new

For the longest time I have been an avid reader of blogs. From fashion blogs to lifestyle and food blogs I could not get enough. Enter then my work as a consultant and slowly but surely, my own blogging dreams were shattered into a million little pieces. That was until of course I had the idea for the positive diaries. Whilst at first I knew I would bring in some activism (once an activist, always an activist) I slowly started to get bored with the idea, I mean come on, a girl is more than one thing right? Hence my disappearance from the blogger-sphere to rethink what I wanted "The positive diaries" to be about and what I've come up with is nothing short of diverse is this:

1. Food (Obviously)
2. Style (Not fashion but style, having always been a thrift store and consignment store kinda gal fashion was never really what I was after, it was more like making a R20 skirt look like a million bucks etc...and whilst I will admit I do have some designer pieces in my closet, all of them are thrifted, consigned etc etc, which is just the way I like my designer wear, affordable).
3. HIV (because like I said earlier once an activist always an activist)
4. Travel (Mainly because whilst sitting down with the boyfriend the other day we realized that actually we are huge travelers, whether its Venice in Italy or the Drakensberg, we are always always chasing adventure)

So there it is folks the four categories for the new and improved posts you will be seeing a lot of in the near future so stay tuned.

Love & lightness

Summer day dreams

I know, I have just recently come back from a summer holiday in Europe (which reminds me, I still have to sort through all the holiday pictures to share) but I cant help but day dream about the December holidays when I hope to round up all my friends and head out to one of my favorite places in South Africa to soak up some vitamin D, drink too much rum, swim in the ocean, eat fresh fish and dance around fires. Something about the ocean makes me a very happy camper. I mean, who doesnt love a good beach holiday. The best thing? This place is so magical (and secluded) that it feels like you are staying on a private island, with a few strangers to keep you entertained. Now who doesn't love that idea?

Oh and yes, with my new found love for working out, I also hope to be showing off my toned arms and abs in stringy bikinis and light as a feather sarongs, because I just realized that I am 26, and like my friend once said, you will never look as good, as you do in your twenties, so here's to being fit fab and sun kissed.

The Breakfast Edit: Brunch special

Being somewhat obsessive when it comes to eating well and eating 3 times a day, weekends, especially Sundays lend themselves to breaking of rules and making of new ones. Take breakfast for instance. After sleeping in on weekends the only logical thing to do when I get up is to prepare brunch. A hearty mix of fresh rosa tomatoes, toasted ciabatta, scrambled eggs with creme fraiche and smoked trout. Serve that with a wedge of lemon for the trout, some freshly squeezed orange juice and some coffee and the day is as good as any. In this house, we take meals seriously, and what better way to do so than to add a hearty brunch option for lazy weekends. How do you brunch?

Things they never tell you: Sometimes it will hurt...just because

I thought today I would share something millions of people struggle with irrespective of their statues, that feeling that we all sometimes have that may present itself as just a dull gaping in your chest to the more serious, gut wrenching pain you feel when you realize that you are not OK. That the life you have carefully carved out for yourself isnt as "perfect" as it seems, and that no matter how many beautiful dresses and drunk nights you have, the pain persists. Its something I know all too well, this feeling that things are not as they seem. For me, the pain is usually directed around 3 things;

1) My HIV status
2) The fact that I was raped when I was 5
3) The death of my mom when I was 8

Whilst I usually lean towards flooding the world with happy thoughts and emojis (lots of emojis) I cannot deny that sometimes, like right now, the emoji's seem contrived, the laughter is forced and I am actually in pain. Since coming back from Europe with my boyfriend I have felt weak, breathless and lifeless. Everyday I set intentions only to find myself staring at my computer screen watching "Heroes" (symbolic no?). The thing is, when I speak to my friends I can tell through their worried eyes that things arent as they should be, that they are actually worried because I've somehow transformed from emoji, wine drinking girl to someone who is sitting on a couch asking them "WHY ME". My fears however were confirmed when I saw my DR of many years, my HIV DR that is. After self diagnosing I thought it best to go and see a specialist to talk about what was happening.

Apart from the deep sadness that I have been feeling, I have also been sick with the most random things, from extreme nausea, to mind numbing headaches and extreme exhaustion. After talking to my DR for a few minutes he took one look at me and told me what I had long feared, I was depressed. Not the might kill myself type but as he explained it, I simply felt tested. And then he said something quite remarkable, then again he also drops some great gems when I least expect it, he said "HIV is the most testing virus we have seen in medical history in a very very long time. It tests your mind, body and soul. It tests your economic standing and your religious beliefs. It tests you physically and emotionally, it can bring out the best and the worst of you at the unlikeliest of times".

In my case, my DR whom I have been with since I was diagnosed what feels like many moons ago pointed out that whilst indeed my recovery was miraculous (apparently with a CD4 count of 2, which I had when I was diagnosed, it is very rare for someone to go above 350 but my CD4 count to date is at a staggering 1076 (his words not mine), which is to say very high and very good), he was surprised to see how much I dealt with things, how well I adapted but that he was always waiting for it to hit me, for the reality and weight of what had happened to hit home. Well friends, it has. Like a ton of bricks. The thing is, when I found out about my status, my natural reaction was to survive, so that meant going to University a mere 5 months of finding out about my status, and trying to make the best of it. I remember at the time (8 years ago now)  that I just wanted to be and feel normal, and thats what I was after, the normalcy that everyone wants, the wanting to fit in at all costs and so I pushed myself, to learn something, to be stronger than, to not dwell to much on but to turn a difficult situation into something better.

What I neglected to do, maybe because I am just wired that way, was to just breathe, to feel sorry for myself, to take fully conceptualize how life changing this all was and to allow myself the room to go through that. Sure, I was sad and maybe a little depressed, but perhaps because I was younger and had different ideas of strength than I do today, I always tried to take those emotions and channel them into something, whether it was advocating for HIV or being a model student, I never allowed myself to dwell too much, I just wanted to feel and that's what I did. Now however I am learning that sometimes the bravest thing you can do is to sit still and let your emotions run their course, to let yourself feel uncomfortable and also acknowledge that this feeling you have will never go away, it will get easier to handle but subsequently because the world can sometimes be cruel and life will often test you, your status, the fact that you have to go through this, the fact that you wanted different for yourself, will catch you off guard and all you can do is breathe.

August Review

image via www.garancedore.fr/en

I've never been one to set goals or intentions for the year, week, month etc. I am strong beliver in going with the flow and taking each day and opportunity as it comes along, because thats when the real magic happens, but lately I have been setting little goals for myself, things I want t accomplish in the week/month/year etc. Things big and small but things that in the end make me happy. For starters, I am a huge believer in hard work, but since coming back from our trip (stories to come soon I promise) I have been not so well, low on energy and just tired mentally and physically, hence I thought it a good time to start setting myself goals, things I want to do and accomplish to help me get to the next day/week/month/year/ten years etc. and things which will hopefully give me more focus, intention and a reason to crawl out of bed as the temperature drops and we reach the final stretch of the year. For August my intentions are as clear as day, I have some business ventures up my sleeve, some things I want to try and some things I want to stop doing, so what are these grande (and not so grande) intentions for the month? Well here is what I want to achieve for the month of August.

1. Start production on Rebranding HIV merchandise (this is something I have wanted to do for some time now and the timing couldn't feel more right). If things go as planned, I will have the prototypes by September 1st (anniversary of my diagnosis, pretty symbolic no?)

2. Get going on O.A.K. (a new business venture the boyfriend and I are working on)

3. Write the first chapter of my new memoir....

4. Start working out again (healthy mind, healthy body right?)

5. Dance more (something I used to do a lot of but with work loads, family, friends, boyfriends etc, I have forgotten how to have fun by myself)

Whats on your August list?

Water water everywhere and not a drop to drink...

OK, maybe not the most appropriate blog title of all times but it sounds good no? Anyways the point of today is for us to talk about water. Yes water. That natural goodness that can do wonders for you and yours. I will be the first to admit to hating water when I was younger, I mean fully fledged hate bomb for real. Like most youth, i preferred the taste of oros (yes guys Oros, probably one of my favorite childhood drinks and one of the worst for you with all that sugar) but no less I passed that phase. Somewhere between being diagnosed HIV positive to growing up, I started to love water, no I mean really love, almost as much as I love food. Driven partly by the fact that I now know the benefits of water.

I mean sure, I do still drink appletizer/grapetizer (the only fizzy drinks I allow myself) but when it comes to non alcoholic beverages, water takes the cake...or is it cup? Anywho...One of the other reasons I love water so much is because in the past few years I have developed insanely dry skin, I mean flake and peel type situation and so for me water is the best way to counteract my dry skin from the inside out. Nowadays I can be found with a 1 liter console jar full of water on my desk or where ever I am working. Whilst I aim for 2 liters a day (which is two jars full) sometimes I tend to fall short but never less than a liter a day, which proves to still be enough seeing as so many foods we eat have water in them so I am sure I get my 2 liters a day.  Either way water is my new best friend and does wonders for my skin, digestive system, and overall health. When you're living with HIV its important to do the little things to keep you healthy and water certainly helps, especially as I am known to get tired often (sometimes a nap is needed) but most times a jug of water does the trick in waking me up, especially on days when I can't afford a nap. It also does the trick of keeping those extra kilo's off from drinking too much juice, especially with some ARVs which can cause fat build up in the mid section, but whether HIV positive or not, water is always a great choice. So drink up and thank me later.